On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
