my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
