Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
