my phone needs a breathalizer
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize