3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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