Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Houston, we have a blender
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
