i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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