Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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