I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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