at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
