That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
