I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
i think i just lost a toe
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
