also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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