She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
