i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
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You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
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I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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