I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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