Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
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