So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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