ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
