my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
