her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I am midnight drunk by noon
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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