god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
