Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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