i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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