Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
