I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
