i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
