Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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