Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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