I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just pee around me
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
