There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
