I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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