shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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