Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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