shes about as inviting as chlamydia
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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