just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
