tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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