i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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