u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize