I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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