If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
