Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
