So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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