I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
