i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
