she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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