why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
