the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
