I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
