ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
