Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
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