His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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