just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
