Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
