I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
