You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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