Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
either way he was missing a nipple.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
