A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
