ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
